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| Your Money and Your Marriage |
Your Money and Your Marriage
By Stacey Rose, LCSW
What are the top three issues couples struggle with in marriage? Money, sex, and in-laws. If you have struggled with any of these in your marriage, you are not alone. The challenge is not to avoid disagreements over these things but instead to learn how to communicate about them and resolve them successfully.
All of these hot topics can stir different emotions in people; often strong emotions. This article will explore ways to discuss finances so that your spouse can hear you and you can hear your spouse. Once you’ve achieved this, you’ll be able to discuss sex and in-laws too, of course, not all in the same conversation.
Bill and Christine are a good example of how couples can learn to talk about money in a way that works for both of them. (Names and identifying details have been changed.) Bill and Christine had been married for nine years, and had three young children; ages 8, 6, and 3 at the time they began therapy. When I met them, they told me they fought mostly about money. “If only she would get off my back about money,” he’d said. “If only he would make more, we wouldn’t fight about money!” she told me. Given they had three young children, and had both decided she would stay home to raise the children, their financial situation had drastically changed from the time she worked in New York full time as a buyer for a large department store. They informed me their fighting began when she left her job, even though they’d fought about money before the kids were born too.
In therapy, we explored the families they both came from; Bill had come from a traditional family where his mother stayed home to raise him and his siblings, while his father worked full time and a second job to ‘keep a roof over their head and food on the table’. Christine had come from a traditional family as well but her mother did go back to work as she and her brothers got older. Each of them spoke about the role money played in their families. Bill told me his mother got an ‘allowance’ from his father each week and he thinks she kept a stash of money on the side for extras. Christine explained her parents had a joint bank account but her mother would often tell her and her brothers to wash their hands after touching money because it was ‘dirty’.
Through the exploration of their backgrounds and an understanding of where their spouse had come from financially, it became easier for them to see why each of them struggled the way they did. In addition, Bill and Christine learned to actively listen to each other and to decrease the frequency of their reactivity to each other; these became the ingredients for success.
So, what about you and your partner? Think about your views and feelings about money. Think about what you have thought and felt throughout most of your life about money and what you think and feel now; especially given the economic crisis our country is in. What were you taught about money? Did your family have enough money as a child? Did your family have too little or too much (some may say that there is no such thing!) when you were growing up? Ask the same questions of your spouse. And listen; really listen, to the answers so you can get a deep sense of understanding without reacting. (This is hard, but I’m sure you can do it!)
Here are some tools to help you and your partner talk about money in a way that will work:
1. Find a good time to talk for both of you without any distractions. Decide the conversation will only be about money; other issues that may come up you will table for another time.
2. One person talks at a time. While the talker talks, the listener listens; doesn’t try to build his or her next defensive play, but instead really tries to hear the listener.
3. Take turns, after the listener can convey that he or she truly ‘gets it’ then it is time to switch roles. The talker now becomes the listener and vice versa. No more than five minutes per person.
4.Try to find compromises that are mutually agreeable.
5.Use a percentage. Even if you both don’t make the same salary (assuming both partners work), you both contribute the same percentage of your salary to a joint account, such as 5 or 10%; remember, they will be different amounts but this is fair and equal given it is the same percent.
6.If one person is a stay-at-home parent, it is important to remember this person contributes a great deal to the family, it just is in a different way!
7.If you still have problems talking about money, seek professional help. Sometimes, a few sessions with a marital therapist may be all you need to get back on track!
Remember, this is your money and your marriage; make the most of both of them!!
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