A wise mentor of mine once said to me, “You wouldn’t just wait for a job to come to you, you have to go out and look for a job. Energy, thought and time all go into that process. Why are you just waiting to meet the right mate?” That was when I got serious. I began to put energy, thought and time into the search for my life partner. It wasn’t that tough either--we’ve been married fifteen years.

Our society brainwashes us to believe that “love will just happen”. Hogwash! I believe in making things happen. At the time, there was no Internet. But you can be sure if it did exist, I would have used it. Instead, I spoke to everyone I knew and made it clear that if they knew anyone, I was game for blind dates. I went to singles dances, a Club Med vacation and was following my other interests as well. I signed myself up to go on holistic retreats, took a writing course and worked out at a gym. Clearly, I was ready to meet my life partner.

Just like with jobs, one must go on many interviews before you land the job of your dreams. The same is true of relationships. One of the keys to finding the partner and relationship for you is to know what you are looking for--a checklist of characteristics. In my mind, I knew what type of men I was attracted to and I knew what was important to me. Answer the following questions for yourself and you will be on your way to finding your life long mate.

1. Is religious and/or political background important to you? If so, identify what type of background your ideal mate would have. 2. Personality traits--Do you want someone who is more energetic and motivated than you, someone who is more calm than you, or someone who fluctuates in between? 3. Are you looking for someone who is funnier than you or do you prefer to be the “star of the show”? 4. Do you prefer a morning person or night person as a partner? 5. What type of career would your ideal mate have? 6. Where would your ideal mate live? House? Condo? 7. What physical characteristics would your ideal mate posess? 8. What interests would this person have? For example: Sports, Theater, Hiking, Music, Antiquing, etc. 9. What kind of social life/friendships would this person have? 10. How experienced in relationships and in sexual relationships would you like this person to be?

These are some questions to get you thinking. They are probably relatively easy for you to answer as most of us have thought long and hard about finding “Mr. or Mrs. Right”. You might even think that all you have to do is to find someone with these exact traits and “whammo!”--the perfect relationship. Well, not true. While it is important to keep the above answers in mind when searching for your lifelong mate, it is even more important to think about someone else--you. What type of person are you? How are you in relationships? How do you express your feelings?

When I was single, I thought that all I really could ask of anyone was that he be open to looking at himself and working on his growth and the growth of the relationship. While this is critical in finding a healthy relationship, I needed to be looking at myself moreso. It is easy to focus on the mate, how he or she should be; but more challenging is looking within. That was where I needed to work. I thought that because I was a therapist and had so much education about relationships and the human psyche, I would be a pretty good mate. Not necessarily. I remember early on in my marriage, I suggested to my husband that we go on an “Imago Relationship Therapy” weekend. (Basically, an intensive relationship seminar.) Guess who was much more open to talking and working on the relationship when we got there? Yes, him, not me. Interesting, huh?

So, I listened to my mentor friend and went out there and found my life partner. What I didn’t expect was how much learning I needed to do. But, it is worth every growing pain--I love him and he is my best friend.