We’ve probably all experienced this. A friend or family member does the unthinkable and you respond by cutting them out of your life. For a while; sometimes a short while, others a very long while. Is it worth it? Some think so.

Marci and her mother-in-law got along great from the beginning of Marci’s marriage to her son. They both liked the same food, appreciated the same movies, had similar religious and even political beliefs. It was almost too good to be true! But this friendly and mutually respectful relationship existed only until the day when Marci couldn’t understand why, but was “all of a sudden” cut out of her mother-in-law’s life. Marci and her husband had Thanksgiving dinner at her house and invited everyone on both sides of the family. Marci tried to do everything right. She wanted to make others happy (to a fault and even at her own expense!) By inviting the entire extended family, Marci didn’t realize her mother-in-law would be offended because Marci had also invited her mother-in-law’s sister, a woman to whom her mother-in-law hadn’t spoken to in years. Marci’s mother-in-law later explained to Marci’s husband that she was highly insulted and Marci ‘should have known’ not to invite her sister. Marci’s mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to Marci in three years.

If you think back and review the times in your life when you’ve been hurt, it is understandable that you may have wanted some distance from the person who hurt you; and sometimes it is appropriate to re-evaluate the relationships we have with people in our lives. Doing a ‘spring-cleaning’ doesn’t just refer to one’s house, but also to our relationships. So, at times it is helpful to end certain relationships if it makes us healthier and happier. But cutting out family members for extended periods of time can do long lasting damage.

Invite yourself to consider the people who used to be in your life and no longer are. Why aren’t they in your life? Are they geographically inconvenient? (No excuse anymore with email, texting, facebook, etc.) Did you simply ‘lose touch’? Or are there specific reasons for which you no longer reach out to them? Are there specific reasons for which they no longer reach out to you? Do you care enough about the relationship with this person?

If you do care enough about the relationship with this person, or if they are in your family and you simply have to see them at holidays and family functions, here are some steps you can take to re-establish a relationship or even just a civil exchange of hellos...

Remind yourself no one is perfect. Consider it is possible they had no intention of hurting you.

Consider it is possible they were not even aware of the impact their behavior had on you.

4. Think of how it may free up some of your mental energy by letting go of this on some level.

If, on the other hand, you do not care about the relationship at all, think about what you might feel if you learned this person had a terminal illness. If you are still at peace with your decision to keep them out of your life, (while you might still wish them well), you know you have made the right decision. However, if the person you are thinking of is the one who has cut you out of their life, you have options. Here are some to consider:

You could write a small note, email, or letter telling them while you are not happy with their decision, you respect they had to make this decision for their own reasons; and you can only hope they change their mind in the future.

You could ask for some feedback about your behavior; what did you do that caused them so much pain? How could you make it up to them, if you are willing.

You can come to terms with this situation on your own; work on trying to accept the fact that we never have control over others’ decisions, but always have control over how we choose to respond.

Whatever you decide to do, remember life is short. We get one life and how much of your life do you want to spend holding onto how others hurt you?