Does this sound familiar? For so many couples raising kids and working, it becomes a challenge to connect sexually. To both have the same needs and desires at the same time is not realistic. But does that mean a divorce is in order? Absolutely not. There is hope! Michele Weiner-Davis is the author of “The Sex-Starved Marriage” and she says, like the Nike ad, “Just Do It!”. According to Davis, “Just because you’re not hungering for sex doesn’t necessarily mean you have a problem with arousal. Lots of people with low sexual desire actually enjoy sex once they get started. It may take them a while. They may have to clear out the mental clutter and slowly relax, but when they do, they tell me that sex is enjoyable.”

So what does this mean? Does it mean that the “million things you have to do” won’t still be there after sex? Does it mean that you are not capable of having sex even “with a headache”? Does it mean that just because you made love three nights ago you won’t enjoy it tonight? Of course not! One of the reasons that a person may have a lower desire level or what appears to be a lower desire level is that they convince themselves they are not interested. Why? Take a look at the following list to see if any of these factors fit for you and your spouse:

*Anger (“I’m mad at you and haven’t told you or it hasn’t been resolved, so I don’t want to be close with you when I’m mad.”) *Role Reversal? (Maybe, believe it or not, I want to be the one to initiate sex sometimes, but I don’t have a chance because you do it so often.) *Stuck in a Rut (Maybe we need to spice things up a bit–have sex in a different room, a different time of day, a different position/technique.)

The truth is that once couples do start having sex, they remember how much they enjoy it and each other. The physical sensations of sex take over and become more powerful than any reasons or exuses not to have sex. You may find that you feel less stressed after sex, closer to your mate, and happier.

Women need to feel close in order to have sex. This may include talking, listening, and feeling understood. Men typically need to have sex in order to feel close. A perfect solution here is for the man to give the woman that emotional attention she craves, and he will find that she is much more open to giving him what he craves sexually.

This is not to say that men are always the ones with the higher level of sexual desire. It may not be spoken about as much, but many women are the ones in relationships with the higher level of desire too. Men who have great financial stress, workaholism, depression or low levels of testosterone may have low levels of sexual desire. Performance anxiety plagues many men. The longer a couple stays away from sex, the more difficult it can be to get back to it. Davis says, “ regardless of whether you’re male or female, the bottom line is that when you believe you are the only spouse interested in having a good sexual relationship, you feel enormously hurt, angry, and rejected.” Chances are, without me even knowing your spouse, that he or she is not doing this to purposely hurt you. So what can you do to help? Try to be more understanding, loving and open to what your spouse says might be helpful. Is there something your spouse needs to help him or her feel more sexual?

Bottom line here? All we can ask from a spouse is a willingness. A willingness to be open to grow, to make changes, and to work on the marriage. So, if you find you are closing a door without leaving any room for your spouse to “walk in”, think again. Think back to the way sex was when you first met. It could be like that again, or maybe–better. Oh, by the way, Mark called me last week to let me know, he and Pam are back on track.